Bill Gates Retirement Plan
Bill Gates has officially retired, but it’s hard to imagine him just hanging around the office trying to make himself useful by doing some filing or getting coffee for the gang.
Here’s some of the plans he’ll be considering over the Independence Day weekend:
- Go back to Harvard and finish BA—no telling what you can do with a college degree!
- Ascend to heaven in a chariot of fire.
- Get really bored and go back to work; mid-life crisis over!
- Obtain copy of Dante’s Inferno and prepare for next big vertical move.
- Show up Paul Allen by opening Elvis Presley museum and using necromantic powers to bring Presley back to life.
- Step up charity work on soup kitchens for Microsoft Shareholders.
- Finally have time to arrange face-to-face with the kids!
- Find out how many beer bongs it takes to forget all about Longhorn.
- Hire army of goons to T.P. Steve Ballmer’s house—you know how he gets!
- Devise a new internet browser and donate it to Google, just to annoy Ebay.
- Work closely with President Bush to drive competing nations out of business.
- Save money by firing maid and spending the retirement years cleaning house.
- Garage sale: double net worth by devising online auction platform and selling off all the crap in 19,000 square foot garage.
- Lounge around convalescent home all day waiting for a visit from Larry Ellison.
- Employ huge team of attorneys to advise all other retirees to return to work or face onerous law suits.
- Royally chap ghost of Sam Walton by buying $43 billion of stuff at Walmart on sale and then returning it a full price, thereby forcing restatement of Walmart earnings.
- Finally get to watch The Simpsons and get a look at this “Mr. Burns” who’s supposed to be based on me.
- Join Chapelle’s block party; light up phatty; uncork forty-ounce!
- Put together really cool fantasy baseball teams and buy the players in real life!
- Note gas prices; install refinery in living room.
- Wait for Linus Torvald to get off work and whip his ass!
- Torment Federal Reserve Bank by forcing them to give $40 billion in change– in pennies.
- Hang around the local Schwab office checking stock quotes all day; feign sleep when other codgers complain about Microsoft stock performance.
- Wait by the mailbox for that SSI check!
- And the winner is . . . Sleep with both eyes closed for a change.
Photo with permission of Bay Area photographer Steve Kesten.
2 opinions for Bill Gates Retirement Plan
Ryan M. Rodriguez
Jul 6, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I loved the finale. But I think the “garage sale” listing should have totally been higher on the list. Maybe #2?
hahahaha….
Thanks for the laughs,
Ryan M. Rodriguez
Alex-Sirened
Jul 17, 2008 at 7:01 am
Haha, I’ve always wondered how big Gates could have been if he had just finished that Harvard degree.
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