Constitutional Torture: A Modest Proposal
We’ve complained long enough about our government’s tough new stand on torture. After thinking about it for a period of time, we’re all for it. Here’s why.
Once it’s basically constitutional, torture is your friend. Think about it–all that controvery over capital punishment? It’s over! We’ll just heat up the irons in the spirit of compromise. After all, torture is the most efficient way of making the punishment fit the crime. Examples:
- Dell rep keeps you on hold for more than five minutes–break out the ball clamps! (No, not for you.)
- Finally caught the Comcast guy unplugging your cable at the box–break out the ball clamps!
- Caught your harpy-like CEO in a skein of lies and deceit and spying–break out the ball clamps! No wait, they’re not big enough. Break out the gonadal jaws of life.
- Found out your HR deparment does hirings and firings on a Ro-Sham-Bo basis–break out the ball clamps!
- Text messaging underage pages from the house floor to set up a traumatizing sexual tryst that even Young Republicans have trouble accurately reflecting on their resumes–break out the ball clamps! And this time they are for you.
Torture–the All-American way to get answers and mete out punishment. Get yours today.
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