Crystal Balls In Action: Post-Foley Apocalypse
Based on this last week’s bounty, we draw on the awesome powers of the crystal balls to make the following cheerful prognostications for the future of the Bay Area, our gloryholious state, and the world in general.
(Damn–these crystal balls itch!)
It’s all coming into view. The nebulous temporal output of the balls leaves us with these clear and distinct visions of the 2008 national elections’ aftermath:
- Jason Calacanis and Kevin Rose were drafted in early ‘09. They meant to enlist voluntarily, but it was all for the best. Their brave efforts to install democracy in Russian Georgia got them both Congressional Medals of Honor. Posthumously, of course.
- Google and the Catholic church have merged to form Cathoogle, as we predicted. Unfortunately, their salvation search feature goes unnoticed because attention spans have shortened to sub-mobile ring tone duration.
- Former Congressman Mark Foley is president of the United States–and of NAMBLA. Post-op branvestite Patricia Dunn handles his intelligence unit when not busy dry humping bowls of granola.
- Bill Gates and Warren Buffet survive in degrading captivity as Larry Ellison’s enema slaves after Ellison dupes them both into giving away all their money–and power.
- It’s March 2008, and Gillmor is still trying to finish that post he started for Halloween of 2006.
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