Starked SF, Unforgiving News from the Bay

LindsayLohanonanism claims Calacanis

by Paul on June 27th, 2006

Jason Calacanis has abandoned his rivalry with Nick Denton, foregoing champagne & caviar weblog dreams in order to pursue formerly young actress Lindsay Lohan. Super-ginch Lohan’s press secretary read a statement in which the actress spurned the attentions of Calacanis, whom she characterized as “worn out and dried up.”  Often the object of similar comments, Lohan still seemed to enjoy having her name employed to describe a new and utterly degrading psychosexual condition.  The term ‘LindsayLohanOnanism’ combines the name of the actress with that of Onan, the legendary biblical masturbator in the Old Testament (Genesis 38:8-10), and sufferers of the autoflagellatory ailment describe symptoms similar to the heartbreak of psoriasis except in the wedding tackle area. Unfazed by his inamorata’s rejection, the now priapic Calacanis spends much time blogging about the perpetually tumescent condition of his lady log.  (Sample: “Brah, it’s like mahogany with veins in it!  I can only get on the bus from the back now!”) 

Calacanis plans to use his Adsense earnings to build a monumental sacrificial temple in Lohan’s honor, and Sun Microsystem’s CEO Jonathan Schwartz has offered to lay off employees for purposes of ritual immolation.  Many have volunteered for the sacrifice, believing that their deaths could propitiate the hosemonstress and prevent worse suffering caused by further Lohan movie productions.  

Share This

Related Stories

Calacanis at Center of Internet Wife Ring
Lohan Doin That Dust in DUI Degradation
The Whacks Museum: StarkedSF Hatchet Jobs
I say Calacanis, you say Calacanus!
Calacanis Moves On To Better Things

POSTED IN: Lindsaylohanonanism, News, TNT, gossip, sex