Martha Stewart cashes in on options indictments (A TNT* Special REport)

by Paul on July 21st, 2006

As the recent federal investigation clearly shows, the options backdating scandal’s going to send a lot of Silicon Valley execs to prison. And Martha Stewart wants to make sure they go in style.

Stewart is drawing on her own experience at Club Fed to create several interior decorating ensembles for those who aren’t optimistic about probation. “Prison colors seemed just atrocious at first–drab, dirty, and frightfully declasse. But after a while it made sense.”

Olive, khaki, and “Soledad” mauve offer maximum decorative utility when regular beatings, shankings, and “urinary events” take their toll on the decor. So Stewart has designed a new look for the “pre-incarcerated.” The new Martha Stewart Living in Perdition line features:

Bedding made with camouflage spatter patterns to accustom indictees to bighouse blood, urine, and semen stains.
Window treatments captivating the eye with liberating vertical stripe patterns.
“Yard Style” workout gear with padded knees and kevlar RumpLock privacy protector.

Stewart is also working hard on Slumscapes, her spin-off line for indictees who failed to stash assets in offshore accounts and thus expect to live in squalorous alienation after serving out their sentences.

And of course next-of-kin of many well-to-do suicidal alcoholics already enjoy the advantages of Stewart’s rustic polypropylene wallcovering collection, Hemingway/Ketchum.

*TNT = Tomorrow’s News Today. Only StarkedSF reports the news BEFORE it happens.

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