News That Needs to be Over: Make it Stop!
Here are some recent stories that just won’t die a decent, natural death. Let’s kill them, unless they can take the cheerful new turns we suggest below:
- Any story involving the word ’shave’ and Kevin Federline or Britney Spears. Don’t want to hear about it unless Federline also shaves his balls in solidarity with Spears’ last headline holocaust.
- Scooter Libby Conviction: So what? Il douche will pardon him if his shysters don’t get him off on appeal by November of next year. Meanwhile, Plame got screwed, journalists are running scared, and people are dying in a war based on lies coming from way up stream of Libby. Novel twist: Instead of jail, Libby gets a diversion program that puts him in a Humvee trolling for roadside bombs in Iraq.
- Ann Coulter’s Neocunt Newshour: Enough already. It’s not like she’s going to have to get a real job and associate with the great unwashed. On the other hand, show me Coulter cage dancing naked–and I’ll gouge my eyes out.
- Mega Millions Jackpot Claims: Hey, that’s our retirement plan! Seriously, it’s not news until the claimants squander their millions on crack, hos, and online bingo. We’ll wait for the heart rending skid row pics. Starving dependents are a plus.
- Dirty Pictures of Antonella Barba: On second thought, let’s just keep running those photos. And get the screensaver while you’re at it. Now that’s news we can live with.
We recommend you ignore these stories. Instead, start a scandal or debacle of your own, ASAP.
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POSTED IN: News, political satire
1 opinion for News That Needs to be Over: Make it Stop!
Beav
Aug 23, 2007 at 7:02 am
aww, why kill ‘em when we can maim and torture ‘em?
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