Santa Sweatshop: Continued
StarkedSF’s exclusive on the OSHA and INS investigation of Santa Claus continues with startling revelations about Santa’s problematic relationship with Mrs. Claus.
While some details of the marital situation remain unclear, it appears that Santa was increasingly resentful about being known as the guy who “only comes once a year.” And unconfirmed reports indicate that Mrs. Claus was seen leaving the compound in a stylish vintage Corvette bearing diplomatic plates whose frame reads “The Easter Bunny Lays 12 At A Time.”
Investigators have much to do in the case, but charges are likely to be made in a number of areas. Workplace violations are a shoo-in. The corpses of numerous long-fingered non-caucasian factory workers suggest a layup for the prosecution, and additional charges are expected to encompass Santa’s use of drugs and solicitation of minors. This would seem bad enough, but the bearded entrepreneur can expect much worse from his transgressions in the corporate world.
Much more after the jump . . . .
Image from here.
Numerous “gifts” confiscated may lead to additional charges involving trademark, patent, and copyright laws. Santa’s manufacturing plant clearly has an enormous capacity for knock-off X-boxes, pirated DVDs, and unauthorized copies of Playstation Games—enough to put Santa in jail for 850 years, apart from financial penalties in the billions.
His insistence on catering to a “denominational” holiday carries additional penalties, along with the unpleasant side effect of precluding legal assistance from the ACLU. Santa’s longstanding refusal to acknowledge Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and Ramadan may have cost him a great deal in the goodwill department. Large numbers of Jehovah’s Witnesses are also eager to Santa put out of business for once and for all.
Indeed, birds of prey and carrion eaters are gathering, coming from as far away as
Geraldo has interviewed reindeer, Spike Lee is interviewing surviving elves for a documentary, and Faux News blowhard Bill O’Reilly has invited Al Qaeda to devastate the area with a foul-smiling camel-powered onslaught.
At least one big screen movie is in the works, and even worse things are in store if rumors about a miniseries have any basis. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has voiced an interest in the roll of Claus, while Charlize Theron and Courtney Love are eager to play Mrs. Claus. Snoop Dogg may have a cameo as a bling-swinging, poop-talking, lady-killer Easter Bunny, and elf roles are being sought by agents for Colin Farrell, Chief Justice Souter, acerbic ectomorph David Spade, and mini-millionaire Ross Perot.
The question now is whether Santa will actually spend hard time in a Federal “Do you enjoy gladiator movies?” prison. Even if Santa can afford O.J. Simpson’s defense team, the charitably inclined suspect is likely to face substantial financial penalties and untold hours of community service. Without high-powered counsel, however, Santa could face the maximum sentence, and life on the inside is tough for older convicts.
If actually incarcerated, Santa would also face an additional problem that most inmates do not. Word on the street has it that a number of “lifers” and other hardened convicts hold serious grudges stemming from little red tricycles, train sets, and other gifts that Santa failed to provide to these individuals in their youth.
So for those of you who value the spirit of holiday giving, watch the legal proceedings carefully and be prepared to give something back to Santa this year. Like Soap-on-a-Rope or a festively adorned shiv concealed in a fruitcake.
Santa image from here.
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POSTED IN: Holiday Darkness, TNT
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