Prepare for sodden Independence Day weekend reflections, which are currently being reviewed to insure appropriate levels of bitter and maudlin content. In the meantime, food for thought:
Bill Gates has officially retired, but it’s hard to imagine him just hanging around the office trying to make himself useful by doing some filing or getting coffee for the gang.
Here’s some of the plans he’ll be considering over the Independence Day weekend:
Go back to Harvard and finish BA—no telling what you can do with a college degree!
Ascend to heaven in a chariot of fire.
Get really bored and go back to work; mid-life crisis over!
Obtain copy of Dante’s Inferno and prepare for next big vertical move.
Show up Paul Allen by opening Elvis Presley museum and using necromantic powers to bring Presley back to life.
Step up charity work on soup kitchens for Microsoft Shareholders.
Finally have time to arrange face-to-face with the kids!
Find out how many beer bongs it takes to forget all about Longhorn.
Hire army of goons to T.P. Steve Ballmer’s house—you know how he gets!
Devise a new internet browser and donate it to Google, just to annoy Ebay.
Work closely with President Bush to drive competing nations out of business.
Save money by firing maid and spending the retirement years cleaning house.
Garage sale: double net worth by devising online auction platform and selling off all the crap in 19,000 square foot garage.
Lounge around convalescent home all day waiting for a visit from Larry Ellison.
Employ huge team of attorneys to advise all other retirees to return to work or face onerous law suits.
Royally chap ghost of Sam Walton by buying $43 billion of stuff at Walmart on sale and then returning it a full price, thereby forcing restatement of Walmart earnings.
Finally get to watch The Simpsons and get a look at this “Mr. Burns” who’s supposed to be based on me.
Join Chapelle’s block party; light up phatty; uncork forty-ounce!
Put together really cool fantasy baseball teams and buy the players in real life!
Note gas prices; install refinery in living room.
Wait for Linus Torvald to get off work and whip his ass!
Torment Federal Reserve Bank by forcing them to give $40 billion in change– in pennies.
Hang around the local Schwab office checking stock quotes all day; feign sleep when other codgers complain about Microsoft stock performance.
Wait by the mailbox for that SSI check!
And the winner is . . . Sleep with both eyes closed for a change.
California’s thousand plus wildfires added a bizarre element to a recent stay at the Westpoint Inn on Marin County’s Mount Tamalpais.
Built in 1904, the Inn is the vestige of Mt. Tam’s gravity railroad, and staying there usually involves taking advantage of the view–during the day and especially at night. The mountain is closed at night, and the rangers clear everyone out. Unless you happen to be staying at the inn or one of its cabins.
The situation and lack of ambient light make for unworldly stargazing if the low flying fog (flog) holds off. But this year a dense blanket of smoke reduced visibility to about 2000 yards in broad daylight and obscured the stars at night.
Still, a night at the Westpoint Inn is like no other, hellfires be damned!
At $50 per for adults and $25 for children, it’s a bargain basement opportunity to spend the night in a piece of Bay Area history. See the link above for reservations . . . . and see the pics below and after the jump.
A shot of the old lodge:
Smoke shrouds Panormaic Highway:
But horseshoes get tossed no matter:
See more great photos of a unique place after the jump!
Yesterday’s Muni brothel bus idea was just the beginning. If we as a city work together, we can soon incur sufficient tax revenues to hire enough school teachers, pay people to hose homeless pee off the streets, and outsource the board of supervisors to a call center in New Delhi.
Here are the basic elements of the plan:
Alcatraz Island Sexual Theme Park: Coming out of the closet? Going back in? Whatever your fantasies, they can be fulfilled in a clean, hygienic, tax revenue-generating theme suite. Make sure to visit the petting zoo. Book the mayoral suite well in advance if you dream of a tawdry affair with a trusted political advisor’s emotionally vulnerable wife.
MUNI/MONEY Brothel Bus System: As described yesterday, there’s no reason to eschew combining mundane transportation with sexual voyaging. No sneaking in the back door though!
The Gay Train: The wheels of steel roll 24-7, and signage makes the mandate is clear: if you’re not gay, stay away. No one will listen to excuses of straight people claiming they got on by accident. Especially republicans.
The T&A Plane: Where the stewards say, “Coffee, tea, and me!” High rollers go ’round the world without leaving local airspace. Inquire about frequent flyer miles!
Pedestrian Pederasty Service: Sorry, only available in Washington, D.C.
Taxi Grab Service: Already servicing those who fantasize about being enclosed in an erratically moving vehicle with a potent-smelling cab driver of indistinct provenance and accent.
Yesterday’s news on Miami’s “brothel bus” really got me thinking–how did Florida get so far ahead of us?
Let’s face it–San Francisco and California could really use the tax revenues, as I’ve argued at length in my still unfolding plans to prostitutionalize Alacatraz Island.
In spite of its unpopularity with law enforcement agencies, Miami’s brothel bus is a brilliant way to bring humanitarian sexual aid to those who need it most. Imagine all the shut-ins and people without cars who’d love nothing better than delivery service via the brothel bus system.
Clearly, we need to one-up Miami and develop not just a single brothel bus, but an entire brothel bus system with regular schedules and stops.
In other words something like Muni, but with a schedule that actually works. People are always talking about ways to make Muni profitable, and this might be it. In fact, some runs of the 21 Hayes and Taraval OWL are already de facto brothel buses, except the city isn’t capturing the tax revenue.
And Lord knows, a lot of the drivers are already way over the top pimpin.
It all makes perfect sense–depending on a person’s needs, they would just take the bus that will take them where they want to be, sexually speaking.
So let’s get with it San Francisco. As Ken Kesey said, you’re either on the bus or off the bus. So why not make it a brothel bus?
Generally I don’t like to let prostitution related journalism eat into my malt liquor time, but this week there’s no avoiding it.
Maybe it’s a strange conjunction of the stars, but consider these recent developments in the flesh trade:
Behold the Brothel Bus: In Miami, authorities put the brakes on the “brothel bus,” a rolling sex trade business ABC news calls an “alleged whorehouse on wheels.” A bunch of people got arrested, and sex on the back of buses returned to its former unregulated festival seating status.
Child labor hits a new low: Hundreds were arrested across the country in a sting operation targeting child prostitution operations. Oddly, no arrests occurred in Hollywood.
The Bay Area gets some: a Richmond, Calif., man got 11 years for pimping a 16-year-old girl. How did the girl get down here from Washington State? She came down to meet some other guy she encountered on MySpace. Yay, social networking!
Come on San Francisco–represent! Undoubtedly City Hall can provide a related item.
It’s hump day, so get out there and start humpin. Some alternatives to doing actual work:
Go outside, sniff the air blown off California’s numerous wildfires, and wait for an apocalyptic sunset like the one above, from yesterday. I was sure the four riders were going to descend on the trailer park out behind my shack. I’m still waiting.
Whether you are a veteran traveler looking for tips to make your life on the road easier, are dreaming of a far away vacation to get away from it all, or somewhere in between, the writers in the Travel & Culture Channel have information and ideas that will capture your heart, mind, and soul
Prepare for sodden Independence Day weekend reflections, which are currently being reviewed to insure appropriate levels of bitter and maudlin content. In the meantime, food for thought:
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